Criston Cole and Joffrey Baratheon: Game of Thrones Character Similarities

If I were to ask anyone who the worst character in Game of Thrones was, I’d bet at least two-thirds of people would immediately name King Joffrey I Baratheon. I’d also bet that if you were to ask the same question about House of the Dragon, Ser Criston Cole would be at the top of the list – especially after last week’s episode.

When I think about it, I realize I have the same uncontrollable, furious eye twitching when both appear on the screen. Maybe that’s because they share a lot of similar personality traits and plot arcs that make me want to pull my hair out and scream at the TV (I can’t deny that I don’t really do the latter).

I commend Fabien Frankel and Jack Gleeson, whose amazing performances really got under my skin. It’s a shame that audiences have seen this reason to give the actors hate on social media – after all, they do a fantastic job of convincing us how awful their characters are.

Without further ado, here are the top five reasons why Criston Cole and Joffrey Baratheon’s stories make me despise them so much.

Spoilers for Game of Thrones and House of the Dragon up to the final episode, Season 2, Episode 3.

Both Criston and Joffrey fail upstairs

There’s nothing more infuriating than seeing someone terrible and incompetent get rewarded, and both plots are integral to Joffrey and Criston’s trajectories.

Episode 2 showed Criston being awarded the role of Hand of the King by man-child King Aegon II, who fired skilled (if ruthless and cold-hearted) strategist Otto Hightower based on a petty comment he made.

This new promotion came after Lord Commander of the Kingsguard Criston essentially allowed a royal baby to be beheaded because he was too busy secretly dealing with Alicent Hightower, the king’s mother.

Fans of the original show will recognize a similar path in Joffrey, who was immediately crowned king after his father, Robert Baratheon, died. This is despite the fact that he lies about starting (and losing) a battle with Arya Stark and then suggests invading Winterfell just because he was humiliated.

The brat of a king then goes on to commit a number of heinous acts and sees no retribution for a long time, which is pretty sad to me…

Neither takes responsibility for their actions

Both characters commit some terrible acts and mistakes, and in typical George RR Martin style, get away with it for a while.

In episode three, Criston has the nerve to laugh when Alicent brings up the death of Ser Arryk Cargyll at the council meeting – which he was directly responsible for because he wanted someone to be blamed for the future king’s murder. The opening shot of his brooding look could imply some degree of guilt, but he never expresses it outwardly.

In season 1, he brutally beat Ser Joffrey Lonmouth to death at Rhaenyra and Laenor’s wedding and fatally smashed Lord Lyman Beesbury’s head into a table when he lost his temper. Once again he received no repercussions.

As for Joffrey, where do I start? He twice caused unrest in the city when he saw fit to govern countless citizens. He kept Sansa Stark in terrible conditions and tortured her psychologically by forcing her to look at Ned Stark’s head on a spike.

Not to mention his cruel and disgusting language and insults, with almost no one ever putting him in his place – with the exception of Tywin and Tyrion.

The couple is terrible for women

Misogyny and sexism are commonplace in both shows, but Criston and Joffrey are among the worst offenders.

Criston’s entire loyalty to Team Green stems from being romantically rejected by then-teenager Rhaenyra Targaryen. Even since then, he has taken pettiness to another level, bent on a long-term quest for revenge. Even his affair with Alicent feels personal, as they sleep in Rhaenyra’s old bedroom in A Son for a Son.

Of course, Joffrey is on a different level here. His torment of Sansa includes ordering Ser Meryn to beat and undress her before the Iron Throne, threatening to attack her during her wedding to Tyrion, and killing her Direwolf, Lady.

He also orders two prostitutes to hurt each other on his birthday by threatening them with a crossbow. What a charmer.

Successful war strategies? Forget it

While I may dislike both Tywin Lannister and Otto Hightower, I can admire their tenacity when it comes to battle. These qualities are missing in my fictional enemies.

Criston’s decision to have Ser Arryk pose as his identical twin brother was a cartoonishly bad plan, resulting in two needless deaths and further fueling the war. In episode 3 (where he debuts his stupid new hairstyle), he brushes off Alicent’s concerns about traveling in a small group, and as such nearly meets his demise.

Likewise, Joffrey foolishly tries to put himself on the front lines during Stannis Baratheon’s attempted invasion of King’s Landing. He claims he will kill Stannis himself, but later cowardly flees the battle, damaging the army’s morale. Tyrion just manages to hold them until the cavalry arrives.

Ollie Upton/HBO

Ollie Upton/HBO

Ollie Upton/HBO

They continue to survive the bloodshed

Perhaps the most annoying thing about Criston and Joffrey is that they just don’t want to die.

In the latest episode, Criston comes so close to being burned by Baela Targaryen and Moondancer, who chase the Hand and Ser Gwayne Hightower across an open field. It would have been sweet justice for the previous episode, but unfortunately the Hand survived to fight another insufferable day.

Joffrey often avoided battle, with his life only in danger during riots and the Stannis attack. He managed to make it all the way to season four. However, that made the Purple Wedding one of the most satisfying moments in the show.

This moment was only overcome by his killer, Olenna Tyrell, who later delivered the stone-cold line to Jaime Lannister: “Tell Cersei, I want her to know it was me”. It still gets a fist pump from me every time I hear it.

I can only pray that we get to see Cole’s eventual death, which will no doubt have me screaming at the TV…but this time for joy.

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