Entertainment
Tom Brady Roast Summary: Most Fierce Gisele Bundchen, Jiu-Jitsu Jokes
Whether she signed up or not, Gisele Bundchen won’t be able to escape Tom Brady’s roast.
Tom Brady‘s ex-wife was the main subject during the two-and-a-half-hour live Netflix special on Sunday, May 5, with host Kevin Hart kicking off the roast with jokes about Bündchen and her new jiu-jitsu instructor boyfriend Joaquim Valente.
“Gisele has given you an ultimatum. She said you have to retire or you’re done. But if you have a chance to go 8-9, you should do it,” Hart said before joking about Brady’s “f–ked” coach. Bill Belichick by leaving the New England Patriots for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. ‘You found him well. You did that, Tom, you frustrated your coach, but let me tell you something, folks… that’s what you gotta do to keep your luck. Sometimes you had to fuck your coach. You know who else cheated on their coach? Gisele. She did that karate guy.’
Hart continued, “I mean Jesus Christ, Tom. One of the smartest quarterbacks to ever play a game. How did you not see this coming? Eight f–king karate lessons a day. … Eight karate lessons a day and she still has a white belt. Fk Tom. The only bruises she had were on her butt. everyone should have known.”
Brady and Bündchen, who share two children, split in 2022 after 13 years of marriage. The supermodel was first spotted with Valente in 2022, but denied having an affair. The pair went public in early 2024, with a source saying Us that their friendship turned romantic in the summer of 2023.
While Jeff Ross hit a nerve when he made a joke about the Patriots owner Robert Kraft’The Brady massage scandal – which led to Brady whispering “don’t say that again” into the microphone – Ross also called Brady a man “with so many rings he could melt them down and forge a sword to go on a quest to get Gisele back from that jiu-jitsu teacher.
One-time Patriots quarterback Drew Bledsoe – who replaced Brady as the team’s starter in 2001 – joked that Brady wasn’t sacked much during his career, joking that he was “pretty used to not being touched.” Just like at the end of the marriage.”
He then joked that he’s experienced two things Brady will never experience: a first-round draft pick (Brady was drafted in the sixth round) and a 28th wedding anniversary. “It was yesterday,” Bledsoe said of his wife Maura.
Throughout his career in the NFL – during which he won seven Super Bowls – Tom Brady also made headlines with his numerous A-list romances. Brady dated Bridget Moynahan from 2004 to 2006 and welcomed their son Jack in 2007. The now-retired Tampa Bay Buccaneers quarterback was already dating future wife Gisele Bündchen when Moynahan discovered […]
Nikki Glaser – who first joked about Brady’s divorce in the past when she was pregnant Bridget Moynahan – did not hold back with the Bundchen jokes.
‘You have seven rings. Well, eight now that Gisele gave hers back,” Glaser said of his seven Super Bowl wins. (Former teammate Randy Moss called back on the joke during his set, telling fans to vote on whether Brady should give him a Super Bowl ring or the ring Bündchen gave back.)
Since Brady seemed somewhat uncomfortable with all the attention from his ex-wife, Glaser noted that the “only thing dumber” than Brady agreeing to do this roast was telling Gisele to do jiu-jitsu. She then made a NSFW joke about how hard it must be knowing that “your ex-wife’s new boyfriend can beat you up while he eats hers.”
Then things took a dark turn Tom Segura And Bert Kreischer showed a photoshopped photo of Hitler with Brady and said, “The only difference between Tom Brady and Hitler is that Hitler stayed with his wife until the end.”
Former teammate Julian Edelman joked about Brady’s many nicknames, including the GOAT, and quipped, “Or as I like to call him, Leonardo DiCaprio“His ex-girlfriend’s ex-husband.” (Bündchen and DiCaprio dated from 2000 to 2005.) The wide receiver then made a joke that played on jokes about Brady’s appearance and sexuality: “When your wife left, I thought about getting rid of my beard too.”
Andreas Schulz joked that Brady needed a lawyer. “Therefore Dana [White] is here so you can learn to become Brazilian from half their wallets,” he said. “Tom was once asked which of his rings was his favorite and he said, ‘The next one.’ Sorry that was a quote from Gisele. My mistake.”
Ultimately, Brady chose to make fun of the situation, saying at the end of his speech: There have been a lot of jokes tonight, but I miss the love of my life…football.
Tom Brady’s roast is now streaming on Netflix.
